Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
Oh who am I kidding, screw the festive cheer.

While innocent young minds slept peacefully in bed,
Good old St Nick was getting in trouble with the feds.
There was no milk and cookies for the jolly old bloke,
Just a bottle of brandy and a whole load of coke.

You see my young friends; Santa is no longer what he seems,
He doesn’t have eyes that twinkle, or a smile that beams.
Nor the magic workshop or a list of good girls and boys,
Or the irritated little elves slaving away over toys.

Rudolph doesn’t exist, nor Dasher nor Vixen,
Not even Prancer, or Cupid or Blitzen.
Just a sad, faded fantasy of turkey, pie and mead,
A twist on the story of some guy’s good deed.

No more does this Season call for good tidings and glee,
Or decorating the carcass of a murdered tree.
We don’t need stockings filled with candy canes,
“Think how the dentist’s bills will be such a pain.”

Forget the enjoyment of a family Christmas-shopping spree,
It’s like stepping into a war-zone, just for a Barbie or Gucci.
And don’t even think about the wonder of carolling and plays,
We wouldn’t want to offend the ethnic minorities and gays.

Just think of the freezing cold and damp weather instead,
Unless you’re from Texas, where it’s the heat wave to dread.
Or the long line at the mall, to see the paedophilic grandpas,
All dressed up and ready to defame the good name of Santa.

Not to mention the drunks and party-going fiends,
Who stay up all night hollering and causing a scene.
They make what should be a peaceful sleep a nightmare,
But they’ll spend the night behind bars, so who really cares?

Never mind what I say, what you think is all that matters,
This is all just for fun, but do remember the latter,
Which is don’t mind my rant, I apologise for the fright,
A Stinkin’ Christmas to all and to all a Good Night!